Growth Never Stops

I recently became an adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm 44 years old. Legally, I'm an adult. But I just finally grew up. Self exploration has taken me to question why I am the way I am, why I struggle inside the confines of my own brain with questions that haunt and taunt me. And I have actually managed to find some answers this time.

All my life, I have been the good girl, the good daughter, the good wife (sorta), the good mother, the good sister, the good friend, the good employee - the one who takes on the burdens that others so willingly place at her feet - the one who accepts the guilt that others can't bear for themselves. But recently, I had an epiphany. And it has transformed me.

Suddenly, I realized that I have spent my entire life subordinating myself to others. Constantly placing my self in a situation where I am less than others. No wonder I consistently feel that I am failing or disappointing others. I have always taken the position in relationships of all kinds that I am beholden to others, that I must wait for their permission, their attention, their validation, their acceptance, their love. I have lived 44 years as though I were a six year old girl seeking the love and attention of her parents and teachers.

Superiors have taken many forms in my life. Of course my parents were always the standard against which I measured other "superiors." Oddly enough; I no longer require my parents' direction and permission. But that role has been taken on by many others. I've worked my way through two husbands and allowed them both to treat me as their inferior in different ways. I rebelled against the first husband in inappropriate and unhealthy ways that contributed to the decline of that relationship. I now understand that my six year old emotional self was just trying to assert herself. With #2, I've evolved somewhat. I'm now cognizant of my six year old self and work to protect her and let her know that she no longer needs to be inferior to anyone.

I have lived my life in a constant state of being "in trouble." How exhausting this is. I have willingly taken on the guilt of others by my own insistence for shouldering the blame for things I have no business taking the blame. I find myself being bumped into and apologizing to the offender. When someone is mad, I automatically assume I have wronged them and I strive to make it right at any cost....so even if they weren't mad at me, it has now become my fault they were mad. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm no longer going to be that person.

I finally recognized that I am a responsible, self sufficient adult who is raising a good child of her own, who contributes meaningfully to her employer, who has friends who seek her out for her insight, wit and sometimes even wisdom. I am able to financially cover my own ass. I am able to change my own tire, pump my own gas, bring home my own bacon and fry it up in my own pan. To many, this might seem obvious, to me it seems like an amazing revelation.